Couples Therapy: Practical Tools from the Gottman Method

Manage conflict & discover the 5 magic hours to improve your relationship.

Sometimes labouring under negative stigma, couples therapy is not just for a relationship that is on the brink of a breakup. Couples (or relationship) therapy and counselling, can provide a wide range of benefits to couples at all levels of the happiness spectrum. This is because relationships can naturally change over time or due to circumstances often out of the control of the people in them. Like a person who wants to go to the gym to stay fit, I see couples who seek therapy to continually work on their relationship, including their ways of communicating and their emotional and physical connection.

On the other hand, I also help couples, both online and face-to-face in Amsterdam, who are experiencing a range of significant or traumatic events that have negatively impacted their relationship. Traumatic or destabilising events that could impact a couple are numerous and could include serious illness or injury, infidelity, the death of a loved one, the loss of a child, a major life transition or phase, substance abuse, emotional or physical abuse, parenting conflict, legal issues, and financial hardship. The list is not exhaustive and couples therapy can help unpack both the issues that are causing concern but also ways to manage them so couples can move forward and meet their unique goals and aspirations. 

In this article, I touch on one treatment approach I use and that is the Gottman Method; a research-based approach that provides couples with practical tools to improve their relationship. Over the years, I’ve seen how these techniques can transform the way partners interact, helping them break negative patterns and build a deeper, more meaningful bond.

Understanding the Four Horsemen (common relationship pitfalls)

One of the most important aspects of the Gottman Method is identifying and addressing destructive communication patterns, known as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Sounds dramatic? If left unchecked, it could only take one of these four patterns to lead to an unhappy relationship.

1. Criticism: This is a pattern that is easy to slip into and refers to a tendency to attack the personal character of a partner, rather than addressing a specific concern.
2. Defensiveness: This is a proneness to respond to complaints with excuses or blame instead of actively listening, taking responsibility and constructively finding a remedy.
3. Contempt: Expressing disrespect, sarcasm, or ridicule at partner, which causes embarrassment, shame or anger and erodes emotional connection
4. Stonewalling: This happens when one member of the relationship shuts down or withdraws from conversations, especially the hard ones, instead of engaging and leaning in.

In therapy, I help couples recognize these behaviors and replace them with healthier communication strategies. When partners learn to express their needs without blame or personal attacks, listen with empathy, and approach conflict as a team, relationships can heal and thrive.

The 5 Magic Hours: Small Changes, Big Impact

A strong relationship isn’t just about avoiding conflict – it’s about actively nurturing the connection that brought a couple together in the first place. One simple but powerful practice within the Gottman Method is the 5 Magic Hours; a method that can easily be adopted and that I have found has helped many of my couples in the past. As suggested by the name, the 5 Magic Hours (sometimes seen as six hours) is the weekly time allocation a couple requires to feel more connected. The hours are broken into blocks of minutes and specific themes, making it easier for even the busiest of couples to implement. Here it is at a glance:

1. Partings: Spend a few minutes in the morning checking in with each other before you start your day.
2. Reunions: When you come back together, take time to reconnect emotionally. Ask engaging questions and tune in to each other’s feelings before getting onto the practical stuff that makes up the evening.
3. Appreciation & Admiration: Regularly express gratitude and acknowledge each other’s positive qualities.
4. Affection: Small moments of physical touch, whether it’s holding hands, hugging, or a quick kiss, all reinforce intimacy.
5. Weekly Check-Ins: Find a dedicated time slot within the week to talk about your relationship, share feelings, and discuss any concerns constructively (beware of the Four Horseman!).

Many couples I work with find that integrating these small changes into their daily lives creates a significant positive shift in their relationship dynamic.

What to Expect in Couples Therapy

Every couple is unique, which is why the therapy must be tailored to your specific needs. Here’s how the process typically works when you work with me, online or in Amsterdam:

1. Getting to know you better: We begin by exploring your relationship history, challenges, and goals for therapy. During these sessions, both individually and as a couple, I gain insights into your strengths and the areas to work on.
2. Building a Plan: Based on our discussions, and some light homework, we develop an agreed-upon strategy to address conflict, improve communication, and deepen emotional intimacy.
3. Practical Exercises: Both in and out of session, these exercises focus on real-life skills, role-playing, and structured conversations to help you and your partner apply what you’ve learned.
4. Ongoing Support: Together, we would track progress, adjust strategies as needed, and ensure you feel supported throughout the process. 

Couples therapy isn’t just about fixing problems, it’s about learning how to communicate, understanding each other’s needs, working through possible traumatic events or experiences, and building a strong foundation for the future.

Taking the First Step

If you and your partner are ready to improve your relationship, I’d love to help. At Adam Harris Psychology in Amsterdam, I offer couples therapy in a safe, supportive space where you can openly explore challenges and develop healthier relationship habits.

To book a session (online or in-person) or learn more, feel free to contact me today. Let’s work together to create a stronger, happier future for you and your partner.